This past week has been strange. A door I thought was open in a big-giant-huge-gargantuan kind of way seems to be shutting. And as I’m watching it swing on the hinge, I’m forced to evaluate my future. When I got the first notice that the door was closing, I didn’t think much of it. I still had options–and better ones, at that. That notice was obviously God saying He had something better for me. When I got the second notice, I was almost relieved in a way. I’d pursued it because it was sensible, not because it was something that made me excited about the possibilities beyond. God had me excited about other possibilities. So this was a good parting, I thought.
But when I got the third notice, I was in the car, heading for some family pictures. You know, those things where you have to smile and look happy? And happy I was not. I cursed the fact that I did not have on waterproof mascara. I needed a moment. I needed a good cry.
I still needed to look good in those pictures, darn it all.
So, I delicately dabbed at my eyes with an old Wendy’s napkin from the back of my glove compartment and tried to make sense of the messages I was receiving. How could this whole big door be closing? It seemed like such a sure thing not too long ago. There were options, accord, enthusiasm. And then fell the silence. After the tears dried, I realized I wasn’t mad that the door did close. I was genuinely hurt by how some of it happened.
But regardless of all that, I needed to start asking God what path I’m supposed to be on. And I needed to open my eyes and ears to hear the small responses He was putting out there for me to see and hear. One friend posted a Facebook status about a current event but her words “God’s will is the only thing that matters” hit me. Yes. Okay. That’s right. I don’t ever want to be anywhere except in God’s will for my life. So, I put one searching foot in front of the other and kept looking.
A note in my Twitter feed said “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Heb 13:6 Fear! Yes! I had been living with the fear of how could anything work out if this sure-thing didn’t? I WILL NOT FEAR.
Shortly thereafter, another Facebook status that leapt off my little phone screen: ”And now, my daughter, don’t be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.” Ruth 3:11 NIV More about fear. And more about His ability to do more than we could ask or imagine if we just don’t fear.
And for some reason, I woke up this morningwith a snippet of a U2 song (“Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses” from Achtung, Baby) in my head, and I knew it was all part of the message He was sending:“Don’t turn around, don’t turn around again Don’t turn around your gypsy heart Don’t turn around, don’t turn around again Don’t turn around, and don’t look back
Come on now love, don’t you look back!”
So, God’s will is what matters. Don’t fear. Trust. Don’t look back. I’ll be completely honest with you that I still don’t know what God’s will in this situation actually is. But I do know what He originally tasked me to do: be a writer for Him, be a wife and a mother. It shocked me when I realized that NOTHING has changed about that. His original guidance to me three years ago didn’t change. The door closed on a change to that plan. Not on the plan itself.
As I write this very blog, I just looked at the coaster on which my glass of apple juice sits. It says in bold print across the bottom “Wherever you go–go with all your heart.”
I’m going where God leads, with a willing heart, not a spirit of fear. I’m staying on His path until he shows me a fork in the road I need to take.
Question for you: Does God use others to speak into your life? How has someone done that recently?